yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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