i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
