I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
