is your mom at the bar?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My ass is underappreciated
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
