The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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