she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
