dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
