So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
