I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
