Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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