Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
