apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Randomize
