I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
