maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
