I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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