Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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