I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i will never coherently bang her
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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