Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
