i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
