sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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