I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Too much gin, very little bucket
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
