fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
