My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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