the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
