Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
