first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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