When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
