you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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