I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
