Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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