I am in a vortex of obligation.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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