We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
