I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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