Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
