If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
