The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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