i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Randomize
