and she was petting her beer can
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
