All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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