at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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