Umm I'm too high to move.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I enjoy the company of your penis
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
