there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
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His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
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I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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