Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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