The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
