please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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