i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you had me at cake vodka
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
