I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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