elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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