pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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