if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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