I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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