I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
