Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
