When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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