Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
