"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
