i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
