you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
