Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
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