i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
