when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
