this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
