No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
