Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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